hey, wait, I *am* a lawyer!

My last rental company was an unmitigated nightmare. I lived in the same apartment for three years, which one would think is a long enough period of time to establish a decent working relationship with one's landlord. Not so with Evil Slumlords. Case in point: I lived on the second floor, and my front door opened outside, into a stairwell. The light in the stairwell was controlled by a switch inside my apartment. I thus considered that the light fixture fell at least partially under the purview of my landlord's responsibility to provide a safe premises. One day, the light bulb blew out. I asked Evil Slumlords to change the bulb. I called and wrote notes on five separate occasions, at one point notifying them that a friend of mine had tripped on the steps in the darkness and fallen. Did Evil Slumlords change the bulb? NO. The only way i finally got a new one was by asking the powerwasher, who happened to be washing our apartment one day, to use his tall ladder to reach the fixture and change the bulb (which took him, i might add, all of ninety seconds).

Now i've gotten the second in a series of letters threatening to sue me if by the end of this week i don't pay them $333 in fees incurred during my move out of the apartment. This sum is in addition to my $900 security deposit, which they retained, explaining that the carpet in the entire apartment had to be replaced and the entirety of the security deposit went to that.

This is bullshit. They've got me over a barrel and they know it; it's not economically feasible for me to hire an attorney (even my kickass litigator friend who will give me a reduced fee) over such a small amount, because after just a few hours of her work, i'll be out more than i would have had to pay just to resolve it. And i run the risk of, if i lose in court, having to pay not only my kickass litigator friend but also their attorney fees, which i'm sure would be astronomical. So in a cost-benefit analysis, i lose pretty much every way you look at it. End result: they're $1233 to the good, after having done unnecessary work to the apartment and charging me for it, as well as for things they would normally have had to eat the cost of anyway, and i, a poor debt-ridden non-profit attorney, am out $333 and must slump in shame for not having the sack or the finances to stand up for my rights.

But i'm so angry. I vacillate between wanting to just send them a check like a chump and climbing aboard my tenants'-rights soapbox and wanting to storm down to the courthouse and file my own damn complaint asking for my $900 back. (This, by the way, is the route advocated by the Virginia Office of Consumer Affairs, whose Consumer Hotline i strongly recommend.) As a compromise between my risk aversion and my furious anger, I've sent Evil Slumlords' property manager a letter outlining my "concerns" with their charges and asking for her to call off her attack dogs and discuss the matter with me before retaining counsel. We'll see how that goes.

In the meantime, contributions to the Evil Slumlords Takedown Fund are greatly appreciated.